Dear Ms. SYN,
Why did you have to come into my life, huh? Why did you have to give me false hope for a good (or "long-lasting," as I thought!) friendship?
And just like that, you joined the list of countless people who have disappointed me in the name of this so-called friendship. More than that, you’ve joined the list of those who made me feel unwanted, unseen, and ignored.You say you admire my
personality. However, it doesn’t feel that way. You say we should bond and that
I should share whatever bothers me with you, anytime. But how do you expect me
to share things with you when I don’t even see an ounce of effort toward this
friendship from your side? How can I share when you’re never there when I need
you the most—either (most of the time) you’re never here in the campus or
trapped in your toxic relationship or crying about how your parents never ask
you what you want in life?
When I first came to
this campus, I didn’t think much of you. I just knew you as someone who spoke
very little, and that too in a low volume. I also knew you spoke Hindi despite
being from the southern part of India. Then we started getting to know each other
in the second semester. We cried together over missing the Financial Economics
term paper deadline. You told me you didn’t have any real friends here and felt
lonely and invisible. I don’t know why, but we hit it off. And I liked you as a
person and wished to befriend you.
Moving forward, we
became roommates—or technically flat mates—this semester. I moved to the third
floor to be with you. We made friends with Ms. Elder Sis and the other girls on
this floor, especially her. Then you got into a toxic romantic relationship and
faced opposition from your parents. I learned about your story: being the
youngest child whose every decision, big or small, is dictated by your parents.
From where you’ll go on a trip and which music band you should like to who
you’ll marry—everything is decided for you. Despite being a 23-year-old
post-graduate student, your emails are handled by your mother, and your phone
is regularly checked. You cry to us about these behaviors, but when it comes
to standing up for your wishes, you never do. Even I did not like their behavior with me, especially your mother. I figured out that your parents
are manipulative; they look down on people who are just graduate degree holder and would go to any length to ensure that you break up with your boyfriend. And for the fact, you don’t have a solid backbone to stand firmly on your
decisions in front of them. It’s not just in front of them, in fact, you don’t
have backbone to end your toxic relationship. Although you promised your mother
that you would end your relationship with him, but you still carried it
forward; lying to your mother and yourself that everything is fine. Actually,
you want the best of both worlds, or perhaps-you don’t even know what you
really trying to do and want in life. And I told you all these things in
person.
You never called me
first when things went wrong at your home because of your boyfriend. You told
everything to Ms. Elder Sis. I learned about my own roommate—where she is, when
she’s returning to the hostel—through her. I tried calling you initially, but
your excuse for not picking up was that I speak too loudly. I took it lightly
and moved on because I knew you were in a sensitive situation. But what about
now?
When we went to your
home for a few days, I started noticing things. You, Ms. Elder Sis and Ms.
Bangs had a lot of things in common to talk about. I know I don’t have any
experience in love…however, it doesn’t mean that I’m a fool or an immature
person. I ignored it, thinking I was enjoying being with you all. But was I
really? Then you had a severe backpain (actually had it for some time which
increased that day!). Thus, we decided to cut short our holiday and return back
to hostel. You went to your parents, back to your hometown. And here after
returning, I saw the difference in the behavior of Ms. Elder Sis and Ms. Bangs.
The people who were calling me friend and at least were not lying to me about
obvious things, literally started lying on my face. I texted you asking about
your well-being…well, no reply. I thought you might be busy with your hospital
check-ups and all. Then my friend, I found out that you called Ms. Elder Sis to
just chit-chat and talk about what’s been going on with check-ups, just 30 minutes
before I texted you. And you guys talked for about 20 minutes. Heh, how do I
know! That’s the benefit of being perceived as a fool or innocent person!
Security Aunty asked me about your well-being (as technically I’m your
roommate) and reply came from Ms. Elder Sis. Yeah, I had no reply and along
with Security Aunty, I also got to know about these calls and all. Then I found
out that my message was seen but no reply after checking its status. And how
long did it take you to reply that seen message? Around 90 minutes. And that
too, one word reply: “Fine!” Again, in-between this time you called Ms. Elder
Sis to share your things. Then after 60-70 minutes, you again replied to the
same message with 2 words answer: “Not good!”. What a joke! See! Even today, Ms.
Elder Sis knew when you’d return to the hostel, not me—your roommate.
I know…I know that’s
it’s not your fault nor was it anyone else’s fault. The major fault lies in me;
I put too much effort and too many expectations into relationships, only to be
hurt. I, first, befriended Ms. Elder Sis. You guys became friends through me. I
thought we three could be friends, but you treated me exactly as Ms. JN or
others once did. You kicked me out.
You keep saying that you
don’t like to stay at a place where you’re ignored or disrespected. Then my
dear roomie, how do you expect me to stay in this friendship when you make me
feel exactly that way? Your actions show the regard and importance I hold in
your life. You never sit on my bed; I see the disgust in your eyes when you
come to my side of the room or my bed, yet how do you expect me to go your room
and sit on your bed?
Yeah, I’m like this. That’s
why, I’m done. I’m giving up on this thing called friendship. I can’t do this
anymore. I can’t go through the same pattern of repeatedly getting hurt in the
name of friendship. I just can’t! I’m too much tired and my heart wants peace
now. Thus, I’m giving it peace by acknowledging the fact that this entire
Friendship thing was never meant for me nor will it ever be. Because I start
expecting the same efforts from the people, and that’s where, I pave the way
for myself to get hurt.
Thank you for being the
last straw, for helping me realize that I don’t belong in this fantasy of
“good” friendships. Once again, this isn’t about you bonding with others or
ignoring my texts; it’s about how your actions and behaviors make me feel. I
don’t blame you nor do I blame Ms. Elder Sis or Ms. Bangs. The fault lies with
me and I’m taking full responsibility for the pain that I’m feeling right now.
I wish you all a happy
life, probably without me.
With a sincere heart,
Professor Rose
P.S. - I’ll never fall
into this trap called friendship again because I know I’ll be the only one hurt
in the end. Thus, I should start setting my expectations right.
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